Meet the musical act comprised entirely of world leaders

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

Music and politics make uneasy and often uncomfortable bedfellows. You may remember former U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown saying that the Arctic Monkeys “certainly wake you up in the morning.”

Of course, he couldn’t name a single tune by the band because he doesn’t listen to them (he prefers Coldplay, just like all tech CEOs do), and had just said it to look cool.

Then there’s U.S. President Donald Trump (who wouldn’t be cool even if he were cryogenically frozen), who shared this week that his dancing to The Village People’s “Y.M.C.A.” embarrasses even his wife. You’d think Melania would be beyond humiliation at this point but clearly not. “She hates when I dance to what is sometimes referred to as the gay national anthem,” said the U.S. leader. “She hates it.”

As an aside, imagine how angry the far right would be if the LGBTQ+ community did have a national anthem that was played at the Olympics as the rainbow flag was raised!

So, thank goodness for French President Emmanuel Macron — not a sentence that gets a lot of use these days — for finally making clear what the European Political Community is for: singing! The French leader belted out Charles Aznavour’s “La Bohème” and Yves Montand’s “Les Feuilles Mortes” at the EPC meeting in Yerevan, with Armenian Prime Minister Nikol Pashinyan on drums (Pashinyan also plays in a band called Varchaband). 

Surely it’s time for a band whose members are all national leaders! We already know Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy can play the piano, albeit with his penis, and Russian President Vladimir Putin did once sing “Blueberry Hill” (the song made famous by Fats Domino) at a charity event. Though he and Zelenskyy might have, er, creative differences if on stage together, so Putin is out — also, he’d probably annex Blueberry Hill.

If we can bend the rules to include royals — and we can — there’s also the Artist Formerly Known as Prince (of Wales), or Charles III as he is now, who plays the cello. Oh, and Emperor Naruhito of Japan plays the viola.

Right, so we have the classic line-up of vocals, drums, cello, viola and piano-played-with-a-penis. But the band is all-male (boo!), although there’s probably not a lot of male banter considering there’s a king and an emperor involved.

Step forward, Ursula von der Leyen. The Commission President has a musical past, as this column’s regular reader (singular) will know. And she can even provide material for the band to play. There’s a 1978 single by Die Albrecht Familie (von der Leyen’s father is Ernst Albrecht, former minister president of the state of Lower Saxony) called “Wohlauf in Gottes schöne Welt” (Well in God’s beautiful world) with the B-side “Alle Birken grünen in Moor und Heid” (All birches blossom in the moor and heath).

All we need now is a band name. Perhaps it could be “Leadership,” which sounds either like a stern 1970s German electronic outfit or a very serious jazz act. Or perhaps we go for heavy metal with “Iron Mandate,” or gospel with “United Voices.”

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