Wild animals and wilder friends: Viktor Orbán’s Brussels legacy

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

What’s the collective noun for Orbáns? An argument? A bother? A veto?

Back in 2019-2020 there were two Orbáns around the European Council table: Hungary’s Viktor and Romania’s Ludovic (who, rather annoyingly in this context, does not have an acute accent on the “a” in his name). The latter is the brother of former European Commissioner Leonard (who was in charge of multilingualism, the have-a-seat-at-the-children’s-table of portfolios) and once likened former Romanian President Traian Băsescu to the evil Sauron from “The Lord of the Rings.”

As regular reader and J.R.R. Tolkein enthusiast Giorgia Meloni will tell you, Sauron started out as an angelic spirit whose obsession with order eventually turned into a desire for power and domination.

On a completely unrelated note, Viktor Orbán could lose his grip on high office this weekend if he’s defeated by Péter Magyar. If that happens, the European Council will lose one of its most interesting characters.

Orbán isn’t the only leader to have his own private zoo — former Georgian Prime Minister Bidzina Ivanishvili has a shark tank, presumably topped by a trapdoor so rivals can be despatched with ease; and Chechen warlord (and noted gnome impersonator) Ramzan Kadyrov reportedly owns a tiger, a lion and a crocodile. But those two have as much chance of winning a seat at the European Council as the EU has of forging a unified foreign policy.

Orbán allows exotic animals, including zebras and antelopes, to roam his estate while still managing to bend and bedevil EU politics. Back in 2018 the Hungarian leader even adopted a rhinoceros. It’s unclear if it’s an Indian rhinoceros (Rhinoceros unicornis) or a southern white rhinoceros (Ceratotherium simum simum), but there’s no doubt of Orbán’s lineage as a Brusselus irritatii.

Owning exotic animals is classic hardman behavior, of course, and Orbán burnished those credentials by hanging out with the late Chuck Norris, star of “Walker, Texas Ranger,” and Donald Trump, star of “A Whole Civilization Will Die Tonight.”

Being mates with fellow long-tie enthusiast Trump — and, lest we forget, Vladimir Putin — is controversial, but perhaps Orbán’s most divisive act was to be pictured with a pizza that had oranges as a topping.

In 2023, on a visit to the town of Kiskőrös, Orbán visited a pizzeria that had made a dish in his honor. The toppings included chicken breast, jalapeño peppers and slices of orange! Despite the culinary horror show, Orbán dutifully posed for pictures with the pizza (although, tellingly, wasn’t snapped actually eating the thing).

Older readers may remember an outraged Italy declaring war on Hawaii in the mid-1960s, so we should be thankful no armed conflict ensued on this occasion.

CAPTION COMPETITION

“Hey Mark, who did we decide was going to boost Trump’s ego today?”

Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope.

Last time, we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.

“Yes, it was the best documentary I’ve ever seen.”

by Rachel Carnill